I stopped being big on resolutions after I felt disappointed by the end of the year. While New Year’s Eve was a mess in its own sense, I’m so glad I got to spend it with Z. 2019 has been on my mind for a while now, and I just can’t wait to see how this year is going to go.

I want to…

• Be better at studying. I get distracted so easily that it’s hard for me to be as productive as I set out to be. I’ve tried a few different methods so far and am beginning to make some progress.
  
• Work out. Lately I’ve been really neglecting exercising and I want to get back into it. I was really good about it in the summer/fall but something about winter has kept me super busy.
• Travel more. Always down for a reason to go somewhere new and just explore.
• Cut out toxic relationships. In 2018, a large part of why I was unhappy was because I had people in my life that weren’t doing me any good.
• Cook more. I cook a lot on the weekends to essentially meal prep and I want to get into more recipes to change it up every so often.
• Be happier. This one is self explanatory. :)

(Source: weheartit.com)

(Source: weheartit.com)

(Source: weheartit.com)

A year of growth.

• Celebrated the Eagles’ Super Bowl win
• Dressed up and danced the night away at our med school ball
• Fell out of love
• Went back to visit my college at spring fair
• Finished my first year of medical school
  
• Went to Switzerland and became one with nature again
• Explored as many happy hours and restaurants as I could
• Figured out who my real friends were…and cut out the toxic relationships
• Turned 23
• Ate at incredible restaurants (Double Knot, Amada, FSS, Vernick)
• Went to many concerts (Krewella, Maroon 5, Audien, Seven Lions, etc…)
• Met a boy
• Studied till I thought I couldn’t anymore

2018 has been both incredibly eventful and uneventful. I’m reading what I wrote at the end of 2017 and how unhappy I felt and how ready I was for a new beginning. I think for me, I’ll always be ready for a fresh start. As pointless as some people say celebrating the new year is, I welcome it. I think there’s a moment where you just need to step back and reflect on yourself and who you’ve become and where you’re going. And even though I spent a lot of this year reflecting on what I want to do in the future and who I want to be there with me, I still feel like I have so much more growing to do.

I am happier than I was in 2017. I can say that with full confidence at this point. 2018 seemingly started out amazingly, became really terrible over the summer, and slowly got better again. I’m not saying I don’t have my moments where I feel helpless and afraid and burnt out, but I am happier with who I have in my life, and I think that’s really important. As much as I like to think I’m a very logical thinker, I definitely think with my heart a lot more than I’m willing to admit. I’m just glad it’s all in the past now. Things always happen for a reason.

I know 2019 is not going to be easy. In fact, I anticipate the first few months of it being some of the hardest I’ve ever had to endure. But I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the challenge. I am reminding myself that I’ve made it this far and many have walked this path before me. I know I’m not alone in these emotions and I just need to keep my head up through this whole process.

I will be spending this New Year’s Eve with Z. Getting to know him has been so much fun, and I’m excited for the night in the city. What he said to me months ago at this point still helps keep me grounded: “just because other people are doing better doesn’t mean you’re not doing well.” I want to bring that kind of mindset with me into 2019. It’s so easy for me to get down on myself, but I just need to dust myself off and rise up again.

2018, you’ve brought me some pretty magical moments. I am thankful for all that you’ve taught me. I can’t wait to see what’s in store in 2019.

(Source: kasssshole, via traplordpham)

I miss blogging. I miss writing in the middle of the night, feeling like I was creating something. I miss drawing and taking pictures and everything that made me who I was before I started medical school.

Med school is a lot. Day in and day out you’re studying, and even when you’re not studying, you’re either thinking about it or talking to someone about how you should be studying. It’s definitely a lifestyle choice you have to take into consideration before you apply, and it’s one I was willing to accept. Because don’t get me wrong, as intense as med school can be, it is easily one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done and I have absolutely no regrets when it comes to embarking upon this journey.

Sometimes I just wish I kept up more with my hobbies. I think that’s going to be a goal for me in 2019. I want to make sure that as I figure out more of who I am, I also don’t lose sight of who I once was.

I’m excited about 2019. I have a good feeling about this new year.

Sitting here wondering how I can go from being in the best mood possible to being annoyed and upset at a perfectly normal situation.

Sometimes I wish I could just get rid of my emotions.

We’re only a couple days away from Christmas, and it doesn’t feel like it. This is easily one of my favorite times of the year, and it’s just hard for me to get into the holiday spirit for some reason.

But that being said, he came to the city yesterday and we went to see lights and watched Elf. It was perfect, and I miss it all already.

lett-it-snow:

nothing better than holiday movie nights ✨

(via sophhz-blog)

It’s crazy how up and down I can get. We’re here in our neuro/psych block and I can’t help but want to diagnose myself with every single thing I’m learning about.

One minute I’m over the moon, the next I’m at rock bottom.

I’m wondering…if people can truly take a hold of their emotions and tell themselves that they won’t react a certain way even if that’s how they always used to be. Do people actually change? Or do people just find other people who accept and love them for those flaws?

I’m not sure of much these days. The stress is eating me alive.

Drowning in school work yet I miss you so much.

Some days you just feel sad and that’s okay. I just want some time to myself to gather my thoughts. I just want some time around other people so I never have to feel lonely again.

The past few days have been hard and have involved almost too much introspection but maybe this is all necessary.